You're so vain, you probably think this sign is about you.

First of all, let me solemnly declare, right here and now, that I will never wear pleated pants. Not just because it's 2005, and no one badass wears them. I just think they look goonish. Even if fashion changes, my hard-line views on pleats will not. Same goes for double-(ick) breasted suits. I'll never rock either look.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Rick James. He's just another sorry ass sap like myself who shares the same name as someone famous. But rather than lament about it online and do cool things like try to bang 54-year-old chicks, this dude chose another drug to numb the pain--Politics.

Part of me wants to give props to this dude because he has enough sack to run for council in Bumbfuck, Mississippi with the name Rick James. Part of me thinks he's a dumbass. Seems Rick keeps getting his signs stolen and seems oddly confused that they would be of any value to pot-head college kids. I guess that's the same side of his brain that can support such ill-derived fashion cues.

I don't usually seek out stories about people in the same boat as me, but my friend at BBQ Junkie e-mailed it to me. Seems he had a minute between brines to toss some good, ahem, humor my way. Yea, I get it, in some way I'm still the butt of his joke, but I won't go down without a fight (or $20 and a nice hair massage).

Anyway, since my BBQ friend was looking at me through the lens of Rick James, I'd to the same and see who comes out on top.

Rick James vs. Rob Lowe:


1. There are no Rob Lowe catchphrases that have stuck- If there are any, I've managed to effortlessly escape them. But thanks to Dave Chappelle, Rick constantly hears, "I'm Rick James," even when he drops his daughter off a school. Rick 0, Rob 1.

2. Rob bangs chicks at conventions, Rick burns bitches in his kitchen- So what if Rob Lowe got his rub on with a young girl at the democratic convention. It pales in comparison to burning a ho with a crack pipe. Rick 0, Rob 2.

3. No one has yet to say, " I thought he was dead."- Thankfully, Rob is still very much alive living 1.5 hours up the coast in Santa Barbara. But Rick, that dude is toes up underground. I'm sure Mississippi Rick hears countless people blurt out that moronic catch phrase, I thought you were dead." Rick 0, Rob 3.

4. My look is way hotter- Yea, I get it, he lives in Mississippi, but don't they have pants besides dockers there? And the pigment-died button down shirt, puhleeze. Even on 4/20 I would never be wasted enough to put my arms through one of those overwoven sacks from Mervyn's. Rick 0, Rob 4.

5. His name is easy to fuck with visually- Rick James, how about Dick James or Prick James? Anyone with a sharpy and half a wit can really do a number on his signs. But what could they do to me? Rib Lowe, ha ha. Nice try sucka! Rob is victorious.

By the way, I'm still looking to bang a 54-year old and a 21-year old (my sister just turned, thankfully). Keep me posted with any ideas. Oh, and I can't pay for sex. Against the rules.