About last night

Mission 1. Hook up with someone as old as my mom (54) and as young as my sister (20) in a month.

I fear that one of my strongest relationships may be coming to a close. There's no doubt it has waned over the last few months. I remember in the beginning, everyday was fresh and fun. I would come home from work and there was so much for us to do together. We would laugh, cry and share. But now, I feel like we are complete strangers, and I have no idea what to do.I am of course talking about my year-plus relationship with TiVo. I may be ready to move on.

We've been having trouble for a while. Ends of shows would be cut off with no explanation, calls would not be made. It was troubling, but I could look past the small stuff. Because when TiVo was on, it was on. There was no one in the world but the two of us.

But then, it went beyond minor mistakes, doing things simply to hurt me. Rob Lowe Sex Tape showed up on my Wishlist. In fact, any Rob Lowe movie ever made was automatically captured. I had "St. Elmo's Fire," "About Last Night" and the ubiquitious "Class." It was almost like TiVo was doing it just because Rob Lowe was such a sensitive subject with me.

In the beginning, TiVo was full of great suggestions, sports, drama, reality TV. But isn't that always the case in relationships?

Once I opened up, she powered down. The "suggestions" area, once vibrant and personal, felt obtuse and rushed. Yes, TiVo began to simply "phone it in." On one emotion-wroght night, I remember shouting at the box, "You don't even know me anymore? Since when would I be interested in an Ernest movie?" That evening I turned away from TiVo and turned to the bottle.

Eventually, things got so bad I had to move her out of the bedroom and into the living room. I couldn't sleep with her in the room. I had nightmares about my 35 hours being filled with infomercials, Sunday morning worship and dog shows.

But last night was the final straw. TiVo knows how much I love the OC. And she failed me when I needed her most. Here's how it all went down:

Since The OC went from 8-10, TiVo decided not to record any of it because of conflicts in the second hour. By the time I had realized what happened, I was already an hour into it. I missed an hour of Seth's quips , an hour of Ryan brooding and an hour of Summer's hot tits. I was beside myself with fury and regret.

The only saving grace was my relative drunken state. I had just come back from a crappy UCLA bar that looked a lot like a crappy TJ bar. Regarding my mission, I did not hook up with a 21-year-old last night. But I think the conversation of the evening had to be this:

Rob Lowe: What's your name, again (speaking to a pretty hot UCLA coed who seemed drunk and interested)
Girl: Jenny, I've been telling you all night.
(Rob Lowe presents a mischievous grin and looks at his drink, as if that is causing his memory loss.)
Rob Lowe: Oh, right. Hey Jenny, let's get out of this shithole?
Girl: Uh, sure, what did you have in mind.
Rob Lowe: Casa Escobar is right down the street.
Girl: Yea,that sounds cool. Let me just tell my friends.
Rob Lowe: Jen, by the way, you won't have trouble getting in there will you? They check IDs harder at that place than they do here. (My sly way of asking her age)
Jen: No, I'm 23. See. (shows me her license).

Yikes, she was too old for me. I can go younger than 21, but not older for the sake of this mission. So I pretended my cell vibrated and made up some lame excuse that I needed to pick up a friend who was too drunk to drive. I got her number and when this challenge is over I will call her. And I will bang her like the drunken sorority fuck doll she wanted to be last night.

But that will be the extent of it. I'm not sure if I'm ready for another relationship this soon. TiVo really took a lot out of me. I think I need some time.