The Yang of Macho

Mission 1. Hook up with someone as old as my mom (54)and as young as my sister (20) in a month.

As the suns sets on Mission #1, I now reflect on a month spent chasing pussy of the young and old alike. Have I changed for the better or the worse? Did I have my eyes so far on the prize that I lost my integrity? Fuck no. But as I look back on Mission #1, I am faced with a few profound truths that I must process. Truths that have not only influenced my character, but have also influenced my next mission.

During Mission #1 I had to overcome many obstacles. As I said before, I’m not really a player but noticed that I had started to become one out of necessity. Also, prior to this mission, I had only been with 9 women in 29 years. Last month, I had been with two women. That’s 25% of my total conquests in a single month. That’s not who I want to be either. Banging and running is the sex-tape Rob Lowe, not me.

So the only way I can regress from a newly-chauvinistic, chick-obsessed player is to take extreme measures. That’s why in my second mission, I plan to take things completely in the other direction to achieve balance in the head of Rob Lowe:

Mission #2: Live a completely gay lifestyle (without the gay sex) for a month.

What does that mean? Well, it’s pretty simple:
1. I will grow a mustache but not give another man a ride on it.
2. I will hit the gym, but won’t hit a dude named Jim.
3. I will stock up on really expensive creams for my hair and body, but will never use them as anal lubricant.
4. I will dance at gay clubs, but won’t fuck guys there.
5. I will shave myself bald from the neck down, but won’t blow dudes.

Sorry, ran out of near-funny word plays near the end of the list, but you see where I’m going with this. It’s the gay lifestyle, without the gay sex. It’s the fabulous fashion, absolute decadence and live-for-the-moment lifestyle, without the anal intercourse. It’s the opposite of who I was the last month and will definitely serve as a refreshing antidote to the past few weeks of supreme macho-dom.

So starting tonight, I will shop. John Varvatos blazers at Fred Segal. Prada pants on Rodeo. My dear friend Daniel, who is heavy into the gay lifestyle (and anal sex) will be my gay tour guide for a trip through Elizabeth, Judy and Tammy-faye Land.

Daniel has courteously established a few rules for me:
1. No sex with girls during this period (no problem there), I’m kind of sick of meeting them.
2. I can only wear approved outfits after 5 p.m. and on weekends.
3. I can never say that I am gay or lead a guy on. I can only infer it by my ridiculously tight and expensive striped-peacock shirts.
4. I can only drink Evian in clubs and when he touches his nose, I must pour the bottle on my chest. I also must remove my shirt upon his command.
5. No Sportscenter.

I’m sure there will be more rules, but for now, that’s all he's concocted. Gay guys are cool, and the gay lifestyle is even cooler (I think). So wish me luck, because Rob Lowe is about to turn seriously FIERCE.