Let's Get Fierce

Mission 1. Hook up with someone as old as my mom (54)and as young as my sister (20) in a month.
Mission 2. Live a completely gay lifestyle (without the gay sex) for a month.

Friday, May 27, 2005, 9:30 a.m. East Coast Time, Lowe Household.
My mom, our lifelong housekeeper (Jen), and my younger brother, Derek, were sitting at the breakfast bar, munching bagels and muffins. I went to grab a bagel and my mom gently scolded me.

“What?” I said in slight bewilderment.
“'Aunt Jen' made you eggs and bacon, you must be famished after that dreadful flight.”
“Mom, you know I don’t eat meat. It’s been nine years.”
“Really, Rob, is everyone in California a vegetarian? Just eat the eggs then.”
“Derek, have the bacon.” she said to my brother.

Derek grabbed the bacon, smirked at me and said “Nice beard, fag.”

“You’re going to shave that honey,” my mom said, waiting for her moment to pounce, “now come here and give your mother a hug.”

I hugged mom, then Aunt Jen, then had my traditional “soul-man shake” with my brother. We aren’t even close enough for the half-hug.

“Mom, where’s Shannon?” I asked.

“She’s on the train from Princeton, she had to stay for her internship.”

I pulled Derek aside and told him my plan for coming out. He was gushing with anticipation. He was a bit slow in grasping the whole “blog” thing, so I tried to explain it to him in rudimentary terms.

“So you’re doing this just because you’re named Rob Lowe? That’s fucking stupid.” He said, looking away from his PSP. “And you fucked someone as old as mom? That’s fucking sick dude. What’s wrong with you?”

But as the wheels began to spin in Derek’s tiny brain and he got it, I knew he’d be a valuable ally in this challenge. Sure, he is a major jackass and by far, is one of the main causes of my inner demons, especially in regard to being named Rob Lowe. But lucky for me, Derek will gladly enlist in anything that will make people’s lives miserable. So, Derek was in and my sister Shannon would be here later. The list for my coming-out party was growing.

In case you’re wondering, I’m keeping the beard, despite my mom's wishes. It is all part of the mission. I’m trying to “ugly it up” a bit, to give a harder edge than what my parents are used to seeing. That will make them even more confused if I don't look or act super fem. Because most people expect gay men to act like gay men, limp wrist, etc. It provides relative distance and alleviates their own fears. A beard and trucker hat will provide additional touch points for confusion and unease among my family.Yipee!

So here are my picks. All in all, my sister will take it in stride, my dad will probably be disappointed and my mom will be confused and ask questions I am not prepared to answer. That’s the way things always seem to go around the Lowe household. So this should be easy, right?

But right now, I’m not in crisis mode. I will enjoy the calm before the storm and head out to the golf course with my dad and brother. And tonight, when my sister arrives, all hell will break loose at dinner. Because the boy who once sucked his mother’s breast will admit to the desire to suck something else far less palatable to the rest of the family. And no good can come of picturing your bearded son on the giving end of a blow job. Right?

Lowe, out.

(don’t hate me)