Straight Up and Down
Mission 1.
Mission Three: Live without an apartment for a month.
Mission Four: Reconnect.
Mission Five: Re-take the SATs.
Mission Five: Become a PUA (Pick Up Artist) and wing Cali to 5 F-closes.
I cannot remember the last time I had sex with another person. It hurts. Not mentally, although that seems to be an ancillary effect. No, actually it hurts physically to do it. Tried it recently and I had to stop. Couple of different ways, too. I felt like a coed tease, pushing my raven-haired temptress away, and apologetically speaking, "Maybe we could just snuggle."
Just so we're all clear here, I'm a clean guy. I cover and protect all the vital stuff just like the surgeon general requests. But the pain isn't a result of a drip or angry burn in my staff, rather it is a pain in the very core of my being. I have four broken ribs.
I've had them since Christmas, I think. I guess I knew one was broken because of the enormous fucking pain in my side, but I kept playing basketball on Mondays all macho-like. Then about a month ago, I got hit again. Fuck, I wish these guys would call out their picks once in a while. I wouldn't have to be servicing myself in the shower with pre-kfed Britney Scenarios.
But I have been doomed to self-satisfaction and truthfully, I'm getting quite good at it. I hope I don't get so good, like the guys that don't feel the need to go out since they can take care of their own business with Jergins, a box of tissues and a mental footnote. I've been there in my college stoner days and don't want to go back.
Let's switch gears.
I was in SF this weekend with some friends. It was super budget, slept on their futon/aero, ate Emmy's spaghetti, drank free beer and even drove up. SF is a cool place, but after riding the bus/train/rail with the tb-belching masses, it was nice to get back in my car, pop in some Jonestown Massacre and drive down the 5, hoping someday I would have sex with another human again.
posted by Rob Lowe @ 10:27 AM
17 comments
17 Comments:
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Your getting soft Rob, although I can appreciate walking the dog by myself once in a while.
I spoke to Kent a few weeks back and he said you were headed up for a visit. How are his new digs in SF? Better then Berkley?
Jesus Rob, no wonder why you're not getting any pussy...it's because you are one...a HUGE one.
Seriously, take your balls out of your purse and get yourself laid ferchrissakes. A few broken ribs should not prevent you from getting any action...I'm VERY dissapointed.
Oh, and Emmy's looks great reminds me of Fat Lorenzo's...which rocks. I know this because I rode there yesterday on my new kickass bike.
Maybe doing it in the water would help minimize the impact. Or maybe this is just a good excuse to lie back and be serviced.
(Ew. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.)
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Obviously, you just need a nice girl to come and take care of you. I'd offer, but I'm having to pre-emptively repay off the debt of asking my guy to move giant amounts of furniture this weekend... ;)
wow that's really...interesting stuff?
i guess.
Go and see a doctor, Lowe. That's what they are there for.
How to fix broken ribs.
1. Get something that makes you sneeze.
2. make yourself sneeze.
3. Just as you are about to sneeze, put your hand over your mouth and nose and cause an internal explosion of sneeze pressure.
Outward thrusting lungs and muscles will pop bones back into place.
it will hurt like a bitch but will heal fast. Its how I fixed two nasty broken ribs from some jackass elbowing me in an indoor soccer game when I was 28.
I guess we're never going to hear that story about Jessica Biel.
The moment has passed...
hey, one more thing how was the tres generaciones?
Did you comb dorfmans tongue in the morning?
Rob: You have GOT to do what Sean suggested, so just you can blog about it. (Is nothing safe from a blog anymore?)
glib- Exactly the opposite, I am quite hard, especially when I see that long hair of yours (I'm low on material these days)
Jenni-Tough love once again. Love the bike by the way. With your new blonde hair you must be quite the minnesota barbie. I mean that in the best of ways.
Mystery-That's a good suggestion, but screwing someone in the water may beyond my game these days.
Muse-I think a nurse would work.
Lorelia-Forget the sarcasm, I like the really bitchy side of you best. Kind of like Jenni has been writing lately.
MA-I did see a dr. That's how I know. But he told me to just take it easy.
Sean-You are fucked if you think I'm going to do that. I am not half as hard as you. I am a bit of a wus. But the DR (from Santa Monica UCLA, not some quack) said they have begun to heal on their own.
Jinxy-I'll tell it someday. Thanks for keeping me honest though.
Glib-He poured these giant glasses and I made him split it. Dman looks like a whore in the morning, even after a hards night of drinking. I was tempted to make him a ball sandwich. Actually my line was "Say yes if you don't not want to unsee my balls." By the time he figured it out, I already had the "chewing gum" out the side.
Cube-I only use tissues for one thing these days and its not for sneezing. But it would be fun and painful.
Give up the self loving for a while and you will learn to fuck through the pain.
:x Tell me more about the photograph you are using. The tissue thing I get.
LMAO!
Someone at work noticed I happened to be holding my arms oddly today and commented on it. When I flushed red, they realized why and dropped it. (Yes, that's totally just my way of noting I've had sex recently.)
By the way, Rob. If you use this as some lame excuse for not boinking Jessica Biel I'm going to be pissed.
Oh yeah, I said it.
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